Southwind

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Nayra El Sheikh — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 11:56:00 +0000

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Happy New Year… they say

Nayra El Sheikh — Tue, 02 Jan 2007 22:22:49 +0000

And so the year begins… as always… the bitter feeling of bidding a year of my life farewell never leaves as the clock strokes announcing midnight… and as strange as it may sound… but I have never known why… that this moment always passes me by when I’m alone… I close my eyes… hear the cheering and the fireworks outside my window… make my wishes that never change… and never come true… it is cold… very cold this time of the year… this moment of the year… dark… then slowly… the lights go on again… I open my eyes again and continue to live… as if life pauses for a minute to show me in fast forward mode all the years that passed… down to this moment… and then everything goes back to playing in normal mode… but something inside me changes forever… I lose something some where in this moment… maybe a tiny little piece of myself… maybe some of the time left for me in this world… or maybe I just lose some hope… I can’t be sure… but something definitely doesn’t feel the same… though I hear music playing in the distance… and the streets are cheerful all around… for some reason it always looks unreal to me… I can’t help but wonder… of a heart breaking some where… of a love running dry… and of the morning of a new year coming tomorrow… colder than the one that passed…

Roads not Taken

Nayra El Sheikh — Sat, 18 Nov 2006 13:41:55 +0000

It’s very strange… I would say… the thing that’s known as a love/hate relationship… I’ve only come to know of it very recently… they say that in this kind of relationship… you’d love someone till nothing is left for you but hatred… yet you’d hate them till you’re left with nothing but love… is that how I truly feel… I wonder… I’m stained in him… and I’m left now with nothing but disgusted yearning that’s filling my senses… with all that was once there… and was never really there… what had really happened there and then?… that I can’t tell… resentment is eating out of me… I resent myself… him… all that has come to happen between us… and all what’s between us now… each one of us lives in his own world now… yet there comes moments… very few moments… where one can’t help but wonder… if only… yes most of the time we succeed in shoving these thoughts away… and getting on with our lives… but as we grow old and grey… those moments increase… and there comes a point in one’s life… where he’d stop… and look back… at all the roads he has not taken in his life… at all the “if only”s that passed him by all through his journey… what kind of feeling could accompany meditation upon such stations?… remorse… thankfulness… sorrow… maybe regret… if I could turn back the time… I would… or I wouldn’t… I should have… or it would have been better if I didn’t… endless possibilities yet the present remains the same… and what destiny writes no man’s hand could erase… no one can turn back the time… and here I sit… thinking… confused out of my wits… I’d worry about tomorrow when it comes… but what about yesterday… what do I do about the yesterday that’s haunting my dreams every single night… dreams of little details and intimacies that kill me a thousand times… the extremity of what I’m feeling is tainting my vision and tearing me apart… we’ve been broken beyond repair after all said and done… each one would go on his separate way.. live his separate life… maybe after years from now we won’t remember we ever existed in each other’s lives… but something… be it love… be it hatred… be it a wound that would never be cured… something in our hearts will always stay…!

Letters from the South

Nayra El Sheikh — Thu, 19 Oct 2006 01:04:08 +0000

(1)

It never fails to amaze me how some people in this world claim being honest… claim respecting their choices… claim having any integrity about them at all… and in the first real test that they face… they turn around and try to place the blame where it doesn’t belong… try to convince themselves that it was not their choice in the first place… how ironic!! No mistake is ever one sided… I have been taught the very hard way… and no one is to take a blame alone.. there is not utter angel or devil among human beings… but then again… good and evil vary from a person to another… and from one person towards another… don’t we all carry a piece of heaven and of hell within ourselves… the main source of humiliation to you is your own self… no one can humiliate you unless you let them… it’s the kind of power that you give them over you… just like no one can help you if you don’t let them either.

(2)

It never fails to impress me how some people possess the arrogance to take you for granted… to assume you feelings for you… to mistake mere infatuation for love and act accordingly… without even doing the effort to earn it… and not only that… but moreover blame you for feeling this way… they think they own you for no good reason at all… they think that they already deserve it given who they are –mind you that people who are like that are usually nobody whatsoever-… they have lost themselves to an emptiness that swallowed them without them even knowing it… without having the courage to admit to themselves who they really are… what they truly are… I must say regardless of how impressed I am… I can’t help but be disgusted!!

(3)

I have to admit that at some point in my life cruelty has been a dream to me… I’ve wanted at many occasions to be a person with no heart or conscience… yet failed massively… and I thank God for it… I have seen cruelty and what it does to people… and I don’t think that I can live with the consequences of it… its just not who I am… I am I… and that’s who I’ll always be… no matter what anyone has to say about that.

(4)

In the vast space of the universe there’s someone who hears my calls and pleas… he understands… he know who I really am… and he’s worth waiting all my life for… I don’t care how long it takes… even if I wait till the day I die… I’d die knowing that I have waited for the ‘Him’ of all my dreams… the only man that really possesses the power to capture my heart and make me fall in love again… so I send this call out in the distances that separate us… be them long or short… to you… I’m waiting for you… reveal yourself to me… show me a meaning to life that I have never learned before… come to me and take me into your world… I continue to wait… I know you can hear me… and that you can feel every iota of sensation that yearns inside me for you existence inside my arena… take me away from all the cruelty and inhumanity that surrounds me for I can’t take it… I call upon you… come… set me free…

His agony… My pain

Nayra El Sheikh — Fri, 04 Aug 2006 13:36:51 +0000

Many times have I come across scatters of these horrifying tales… and mostly they have been ugly enough to make the blood freeze over in my veins… so I’d look the other way and change the subject abruptly… not quite sure of my ability to compile enough courage to hear the full story… this tale I tell today is no exception… another pile of unpleasant scatters that pass through my life… and I manage to delete them once the conversation is over… except that this particular tale took a different turn… I’ve seen him… I’ve seen the silence in his eyes that told me of horror worse than anything that my mind can possibly picture… and I’ve heard from him what I can hardly call a brief of what had happened… I’ve seen him… and I have seen with him some of the pictures that told me very little of his story… pictures covered in blood and tormented sweat… screams banging in an empty space that returns no echo… that soothes no pain… that doesn’t return to him the human soul that is leaking quietly from him like bleeding… I couldn’t… and I admit it with all the honesty and the human selfishness that I possess… I couldn’t bear what I’ve seen and heard… whenever I saw a glimpse of him the scent of his agony slaps at me mixed with frustration and the feeling of betrayal… carved on his skin… in his voice… and in the dull burning shimmer in his eyes… I couldn’t stand the moments of fake humanity that his story awakened inside me… moments that reshaped my past and present… taking away everything that was known to me as beautiful… only he remained a glimpse of that beauty that I thought I knew in pain… moments that took away my lethargy … and changed my life forever… I couldn’t… and I chose to escape… I turned my back and ran away… to a place where the scent of agony wouldn’t find me… where I don’t see the carved scars on him… refusing to be come a part – even in the audience seats- of this brutal farce… refusing to have it settle and be conceived of inside me as part of the reality that I live in… after I was done running and escaping… I stopped to catch my fleeing breath… and scattered thoughts… then… then something inside me forever changed… I felt I was bleeding except that there was no blood dripping from me… I felt lost inside my home on my own bed… I had a feeling of death within me despite the steady breath coming in and out of my chest… only then I knew the real reason for his agony… and that is we… the inhumanes… we usually prefer to runaway and leave him alone… in the darkness of what had happened… in the coldness… the horror… and the brutality of what had happened… suffering uselessly… fighting hopelessly… I wonder when did he really feel that his life came to an end… was it when the despicable brutal hands worked on him taking pleasure in his torment… or was it when he woke up from the darkness of the crisis to find himself alone with a species that he didn’t know of… and wasn’t used to… all they did was trade into his agony to steal into the shimmer of a fake glory that they trapped him in… then left him to die on a side road… I write these words in a clear confession and acknowledgment of what I really am… I confess for the first time in five and twenty years that I’m a creature of great cowardess… in an apology filled with shame to you… for being a coward… and for daring to abandon you… for my ability to walk away without looking back afraid of seeing what had already changed my life for eternity… in the end you shall remain you… but I will never be myself again… I’m still determined to leave… but know this… know that I leave carved with the same scars as you but without the dignity… carrying with me the same pain that’s branding you yet without the honour… and although looks might be deceiving… I still remain one… among the species of the inhumanes!!!

Dedication:

To all those who have suffered and been tortured for a cause they believe in and for a better tomorrow… I say to you that your agony has not passed unnoticed… I tell you it was not in vain… you are the pain that resurrected me from the dead and brought my soul back to life!

Arabic version:

معاناته ووجعي

Gibran

Nayra El Sheikh — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 13:32:03 +0000

One day you’ll ask me which is more important, my life or yours? I’d say: mine. And you’d walk away, not knowing that you are my life!

Special thanks to my friend “Ali Al Omari” for the lovely Gibran Quote.

Have I..

Nayra El Sheikh — Thu, 08 Jun 2006 13:28:15 +0000

Have I said too much? How come then you know nothing of what I want to say to you… In the dark of the night… Do you see me reaching out for you… Do you hear me calling..??

The Visit

Nayra El Sheikh — Wed, 19 Apr 2006 13:27:00 +0000

Its midnight… I sat in the terrace beholding the lovely city where I live… the roads are stirring with life… and a shy… beautiful half moon is rising magnificently in the horizon… the warm gentle breeze played with the strands of my hair softly… emphasizing the feeling of peace and contentment in my heart… somewhere… far away… the same stars shone upon a soul miraculously entwined with mine… and the rhythm of life coming from a heart synchronized with my own… I feel the peace of a mother putting her child to sleep… softly singing a lullaby and caressing his hair… sinking slowly into tranquility as his breath steadies and deepens… I closed my eyes and leaned my head on the wall as a long awaited shiver of relief surged through my body… I drank it in… rejoiced quietly in it… and let my lips tilt lazily into a well deserved smile… the kind of smile my lips have been missing for so long… I reached out my hand and felt the wind that I belong to blowing gently… maybe it would carry a little of me to you… maybe the wind that traveled all the way to you would reveal my secret gardens to your eyes… show you the flowers that blossomed to the dew your voice brought as you said the first hello… droplets of silky pearls that have been pouring over my life ever since that moment… as I kept my eyes tightly closed you materialized in front of me… my smile has given birth to a tangible existence of you… you stood there looking at me with a smile like none that I have seen… and reached out a hand to me… I took it and came to you… looked into your eyes and that’s all I needed… no words… this was more than anything words can say… this was bigger than speech… bigger than you and me… bigger than life itself… I slipped lower and lay down… I felt my soul bidding me brief farewells for tonight as sleep crawled to my eyes… I let go knowing its leaving me to go to you… to pay you a visit… in a thought… in a dream… or maybe it would just sit next to you… watch you sleeping peacefully… and carry back breaths that you have sighed over to me on the first streaks of dawn…

Shattered….

Nayra El Sheikh — Mon, 10 Apr 2006 13:25:53 +0000

It was but a few moments ago that I knew of your existence… though it feels like we have known each other since the beginning of time… I have seen you through even though I haven’t taken that journey down the depth of your eyes to the bottom of your soul to know what lies in there… in those few moments… you have gathered me in your arms… made me feel I could conquer the world… then dropped me shattered at your feet… those moments are what I call life altering moments… where I stand alone at a cross road… I can’t go back to the life that was before you… pretend you never existed… and I can’t go on with or without you… I wonder a million times why you happened to me… I feel like taking my horse for a ride till the end of my thoughts or till the end of my life… I’m dying a thousand times every minute that passes me by knowing that some where in the vast space of the universe an echo of my heart beats live… loud and clear… yet I can not let myself track it… the messages in a bottle that I send keep returning to me .. only with a different signature at the end of the page… but you are not mine… your compass does not point south where I dwell… you might hear the callings coming from far away… but you are not at liberty to comply… you’d just yearn to the warm breeze of the south as you sit watching the sunset by the ocean… but after the sun drowns you shall turn your back and leave… with a little taste of bitterness in your mouth… with a little trace of melancholy in your heart… but as you open the door to your home… and a little pair of eyes that look exactly like yours stare you back with all the love in the world… you shall know that you did the right thing… and the south will just disappear with all its winds and storms… as if it never existed … until another sunset brings you back the echoes of the callings on the splashing waves of sorrow… each wave shall splash forth a secret… each answering the question: what if… but the waves break and die at the shore… so will the secrets… so will the wondering… time heals all wounds… and you shall move on… as for me… I shall carry you in my heart… as the story I never told!

A Myth from the Ancient Times…

Nayra El Sheikh — Thu, 06 Apr 2006 13:24:13 +0000

In the beginning of creation mankind was monosexual…there was no male and female..only humans…one day the Gods were angry with the sinning souls that roam planet earth.. so they sent a thunder bolt down at them and it split every one of them in two halves… hence everyone of us spends his life searching seislessly and desperately for the other half of their soul…and we shall never be complete until we find it and unite with it

A Tale on Valentine’s

Nayra El Sheikh — Tue, 14 Feb 2006 11:44:22 +0000

So it’s the month of love… they say… and here it begins… a month colored with the glow in the eyes of lovers… in the trembling… whispering sweet nothingness that they dearly hold to their hearts… a month of flowers… chocolates… and promises you don’t intend to keep they say… but I have managed to keep some of my promises… and above all the promises I kept… was that no matter what happened I’d keep my faith in love… and what happened has been too much to take sometimes… but as I sit myself to write this tale… I take pride in standing strong at the side of love no matter what anyone has to say… for true believers have to stand up to the test… and the biggest test of all at this point would be having to stand at the side of love… all alone!!

I walk in the streets of my dearly beloved town… I run into florist messengers carrying bunches of beautiful flowers and messages from heart to heart… I’ve always wanted to deliver flowers to people… to see the smile on their faces as they receive emotions spread among the soft petals… to see the look in their eyes as they read the few words written on a tiny card that could change their lives forever… everyone likes to receive flowers… and everyone wants to be in love… and I am no exception… I resume my walk in the busy streets… I remembered to wear a red scarf in the morning… having no lover is no excuse for not celebrating valentine’s… I know that I will not receive any flowers… but at least a few people remembered to text me some words… and that gave me the satisfaction of being remembered… I listened to Sinatra’s “you’re nobody till somebody loves you” and what can I say… well said!… I compiled a CD of love tracks especially for the occasion… and no I’m not sounding pathetic even if you say so… I do admit that I feel lonely… I do admit that as people would go out to dine and dance… to renew their vows of a love that never ends I’d probably be having coffee alone at the next door café… or even worse: working!… but I’d be silently renewing my vows of believing in love… of waiting for it… of knowing that the better is yet to come… that the darkest hours of the night are the ones that are right before dawn…

And so it was… I’m having coffee alone at the next door café… I thought of calling some of my friends to join me but changed my mind… I want to celebrate this day and make wishes by myself… this is a private day… a day that I spend either with a lover or a promise of a love yet to come… so I sat with a mug of latte that has a heart shape on top of its foam and I smiled… this is the assurance that I needed for the day…I sat there drinking my coffee and spilling my heart out on a piece of paper when the door of the quite café opened and he came in… I don’t know him… but he has a strange presence about him… his eyes quickly roamed the place until they reached mine… I shivered… his eyes are not unexceptionally beautiful… but they are very powerful and penetrating… my gaze was locked in his and I did not dare move for a long moment… he then moved on to the table next to me… I thought to myself… he’s probably waiting for someone… but then the waiter came and he ordered without waiting… my attention was totally moved to him now and I lost track of what I was writing… he glanced in my direction a few times… I could feel his eyes on me when I was not looking… I tried to distract myself from him but failed massively… he then got up and walked in my direction… God knows how long it took him to reach my table but it was long enough for me to die of suffocation hadn’t I realized that I’ve been holding my breath at the right moment… he gave me a killer smile and asked in a low and – supposedly- polite voice if he could borrow my pen… I kept staring at him as if he’s speaking Chinese… then was about to tell him that I have a whole pencil case that he can borrow if he wants.. all he has to do is to just keep smiling at me like that… but then managed to return to reality and gave him something like a smile …then reached out my hand with the pen… he thanked me and went back to his table… and after five minutes – that of course felt to me like forever- he came back… handed me the pen… so now I dedicate my thanks to all the stationary shops in the world for you never know what a stupid pen could bring to you… he introduced himself and so did I… we had a quick chat… he then said that he wanted to give me something to thank me for lending him my pen… I said that he didn’t have to… but he insisted that he wanted to… he called upon the waiter… and asked him to buy the red candle that was on the table…he put it in my hand and held it for a moment longer than he should… and then he looked me straight in the eyes and said with a voice that I shall keep in my heart for all time “I wish you love…” I whispered in a breathless voice..” Happy Valentine’s to you… ” then he turned around leaving me with a heart warmer than the night of July the 15th…

Epilogue

On my way home I bought one beautiful red rose… as I opened the door to my house.. there sat my little one… wrapped in her red blanket… cupid himself would envy her for looking so beautiful with her blushed cheeks and little red lips… as she saw me her whole face brightened up with a smile that no sunrise can ever match… she ran towards me… and gave me a big hug… I gave her the rose that I bought for her… this is the first flower that she gets in her life… as I looked into her beautiful sparkling eyes I smiled… and I knew that love has not failed me after all…

Happy Valentine’s to All

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths that we take… but by the moments that take our breath away !!!”

This is to share with you my Valentine’s Playlist:

- I want to spend my lifetime loving you (Tina Arena & Mark Anthony)

- Iris (Goo goo dolls)

- You’re nobody till somebody loves you ( Frank Sinatra)

- Strangers in the night (Frank Sinatra)

- You fill up my senses (John Denver)

- You’re still the one (Shania Twain)

- Hello (Lionel Richie)

- I just called to say I love you (Lionel Richie)

- Could I have this kiss forever (Whitney Hustoun & Enrique Iglasius)

- Spanish guitar (Toni Braxton)

- After Tonight (Mariah Carey)

- Like the desert miss the rain (everything but the girl)

- Dance me to the end of love (Leonard Cohen)

- She will be loved (maroon 5)

- Where is the love (Celine Dion)

- I love you (Omar Faruk Tekbilek)

- Last moment of love (Omar Faruk Tekbilek)

- I hope you dance (Ronan Keating)

- Dreams can come true (Desiree)

- Run away (The Corrs)

- Separate tables (Chris de berg)

Special Dedications:

To Danya: A tale of love that never ends…

To Him…: I shall wait… even if it means forever! Have the happiest Valentine’s in the world !

The Southwind

Him…

Nayra El Sheikh — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 12:38:57 +0000

Part I

“A Prelude”

I’m sitting alone.. on a chair often used by him… staring at a door half open.. often used by him… I can feel his energy floating around the place… his scent.. his voice… his eyes.. the intangeable presence of him… the door could be opened at any point now.. and I see him walking through it… or it could just remain the same until I get up.. open it myself.. and leave.. longing for him is surging through me.. he has filled my nights and days… I feel him in the walls.. the coffee cups.. traces of his perfume flying around in the air.. I yearn and yearn.. yet the agony makes it sweeter.. excitment.. anxiety.. heart throbs… deafening heart throbs.. he knows not of my existence.. he knows nothing of my pain… of my tormented soul… what is it about him that has turned my world upside down.. he invaded me.. and conquered with no battle… he broke through all my barriers… I need him.. I don’t know why but I need him.. I haven’t felt this way about anyone in a very long time… the need to be sheltered from the rain.. wrapped safe and warm in his unique rigid tenderness… but he can not know.. I can’t afford the complications… I have to hold all this back… and act as indifferent as one can be.. maybe if I let down my guard for a split second a look of longing would escape my eyes… or maybe a smile of anguish would sell out the secrets my heart has kept leashed for a long time… I can’t let that happen… and so I go on.. anonymous to him… I pass unnoticed.. concealed from him.. wishing that one day he’d look back.. and listen to the pleas of a heart.. that throbbed calling out his name…..

Part II

“The Spark”

My pulse is racing as I’m sitting here watching you… if only you knew… you’re not even looking at me and yet fire is pouring in my veins… the way you’re sitting… your eyes… just every bit of you… God have mercy on my soul…I can’t even focus on anything being said… bless your heart for you bring a kind of embarrassed passion to me that I haven’t felt in a very long time… and I’m drunken by the feeling… you’re more than eight people away from me and still you are capable of litting a flame to my soul… what’s coming over me.. I don’t even know you and you’re playing with my mood like music… I shouldn’t be writing this… I wish I could tie you down to that chair you’re sitting on… for the second you get out of the room I feel coldness sweeping over me… and I yearn to the warmth of your presence around me… I got addicted to you… as you turn to say goodbye I feel very… empty…I moved to sit in your place… maybe it would settle me down a bit to sort of get and essence of your energy.. I already feel you encircling me.. wrapping me in your aura… this is insane! … I mean come on… how can my feelings for you be so intense… how can I have feelings for you in the first place… for all I know you could be… I don’t even know what you can be… how can a river that ran dry overflow out of nothingness… how can a desert so barren turn into an oasis over night… bearing palm trees… water… and life!

And so I try to runaway… to escape from you… to pretend that all what I feel… is mere illusion… that my heart and head are playing tricks on me… but there you are… standing with your arms folded blocking every exit that I run to… challenging me… daring me to deny you… I look around me and I can see nothing but you… I look inside myself… I find you… you are under my skin… filling me… running through me… I look in your eyes… it startles me… how can you manage to drink in the sight of me so fully that I can see my reflection so clearly in you… I’m scared… I’m scared of everything that’s happening… of having you in my life yet more scared of not having you… I’m scared of what I see in your eyes… of myself… if the world came to stand between two people they would be you and me… how come then that whenever I see you the only word that seems to be coming to my mind is… Nostalgia!

My phone is ringing… news of you continue to pour in my ears… even your name refuses to be shut out from my life… its forcing its existence upon me… and I just feel too weak to resist it… I don’t possess this kind of strength with you… but I wish I did… I wish I could tell you to go away… I wish I could ask you to stop looking at me the way you do… I wish and wish… but my wishes remain voiceless… and all I really want to do is to throw myself in your arms and forget the entire world that lies beyond … where is this going to take us… for how long will I be able to go on knowing that the end would be dead anyways… I’m in so much pain… I can’t face you… I can’t pull you closer or push you away… I’m standing helpless right in the middle of no where… all I want is to be with you… and that is exactly what I can’t have… the question is repeating in my head… what becomes of us… and I can’t even control the tears that are running down my face… everyone is seeing it in my eyes… they’re seeing you… the aching and longing for you… the agony and the gloom… yet I stand helpless not even able to reach out to touch you… and make sure you are real !

Part III

“A Revelation”

you’ve stirred the feelings that have been sleeping in the bottom of my soul for so long… like a storm bringing out the treasures lying in the sea bed with the splashing waves… I’m giving in… to the tornado that’s pulling my insides out… leaving my soul naked… exposed to you… and the vulnerability that I feel simply indescripable… I place my heart on my palm that hugs yours… maybe your gentle caress would put it out of its misery… you are.. a healing journey… a road not taken… a peace treaty waiting to be signed… you are the colorful falling leaves of autumn… the joyful commotions of a carnival… the vast magnificent ocean… and I shall sail.. and sail… until your arms harbour me… until your eyes fill the horizon with rainbows of a new born dawn… until the night drowns in you.. and a new day begins… come to me… take me into your magical world… into a feast that never ends… each day celebrating your existance and mine… two bodies sharing one soul… two hearts repeating the rhythm of one tune… you have returned to me… fallen upon my thirst like rain on a barren desert… I missed you… they have been long cold nights filled with images of you and devastation… now you’re here… I can feel the vibes of your voice as you speak and they’re very real… your scent is real… and you… the north that my compass points to… the south that my wind blows from.. you are charming me… I’ve fallen under your spell… I’m trapped in it.. and I don’t want to be set free… I want to remain there… in the glow of your eyes… in the haze of your smile… in the warm breath coming in and out of your chest as you sigh… I want to inhibit you… to indulge in the feelings that you inspire in me… for if the time shall come and I could hold you in my arms… maybe then I’ll lose myself.. maybe then I’ll find it… and maybe.. you will remain the one unanswered question in my life !

Part IV

“Twirling in the Storm”

Moving one step closer… then pulling away two steps… back and forth while my whole being is hung upon a look from you.. a single word you’d say… an interpretation of a smile that you might make the mistake of dedicating to me alone… news of you have been falling upon me… I’ve known and seen… many news that should make me runaway rather than stay to see for myself… but my intuition can’t just fail me all that much… am I justifying or am I seeing beyond what’s visible to the eye… in the bottom of your eyes I can see stirring that reflects my own… suddenly the pleasant sound of your laughter has become an echo that my ear is constantly repeating… and it brightens up the whole world as it does so… I keep fighting myself… denying… trying to hold it all back… but as hard as I try I just keep sinking deeper… just one look into your eyes and all my resistance dissolves… all the cries of denial go mute… and I just rejoice in the feelings that take me over… the smooth and lazy contentment that fills me once I get a glimpse of that promising smile of yours… have you not seen it… or have you seen it and just looked the other way… how can it be that you… you do not see it… that you are not feeling the intensity of the passion that’s reaching out for you… and yet you still look the other way… but till when?… till when will you deny it… till when will you look the other way… all I need from you is the acknowledgement that you exist… that you want to live in me… and resurrect my soul from the dead… to bring the queen of hearts back to life to color it with shades of red and scatter rose petals all over the universe… to revive the scent that’s been looking for a home for too long now… reveal your face to me… unleash your emotions… just let go… and enjoy the feeling of flying as you take that free fall… soon all the masks shall drop… I’ll see the real you… the unrefined you… the rough and scarred you… and this is what I truly want to see… would you understand anything of what I’d have to say… I’m scared of you sometimes… but is it you that I’m really scared of or is it myself… this one thing I still can’t figure out… you are my personal legend… the hero of all my plays… yet all the endings remain open… until you decide otherwise… I shall not blame you for any ending… nor blame myself… sailing the storms is the curse of seamen… and my little sail does not stand much chance… as I behold the troubled skies I’d close my eyes and remember… that sometimes heavens descend their mercies on the most little of creatures… and take them safely to the shore… wherever this journey shall end… I’d be happy that it started… that I drank in every moment of it… and that the message I sent in a bottle… shall reach the home where it belongs.

Part V

“Devastation”

Where are you… and who are you… I see a glimpse of you in every pair of eyes that I meet… in the broken hearts… the love sick trembling touches… in the shades of red and blue that every new born and dying day reflect… in the sad face of every full moon… who are you… a ghost living inside me… haunting me… pleasant at times… scary at times… but always… a loyal companion that does not know the word abandon… a regular visitor of my dreams… the hero of all my untold stories… always a conqueror… always a winner… and always… leaving me shattered right at the gates of heaven… the forbidden fruit of Eden… Pandora’s mysterious box… and all the myths the world has ever known… are you… you are what Adam and Eve shared… the son of their guilt and agony… yet the tangible existence that they left behind for all time… who am I… I am the wind that blows forth prosperity and destruction… the devastation of the desert on a hot summer day… and the tears of the sky on a rainy night… I am the pain of a sinning soul lying on the bed of death… murmuring one last prayer of forgiveness… knowing shall remain unanswered… yet clinging to the hope at the doors of mercy… I am the letters that spell loneliness… where are you…the moments pass by… life passes by… bringing shadows of you… odors that might smell like you… feelings at some moments as intense as you… and yet never you… yet never you !

Part VI

” Thinking it was a Finale”

The storm is over… I sat among the ruins it left behind… I try to figure out what happened… to think of all the good things that might come out of it… the re-building… the peace of mind… but the silence of the dead keeps echoing a sad tune to my ears… its been a long restless trip trying to find the truth within myself before I seek it in you… and I never found it… the only truth I was able to find was how sad goodbyes are… and will always be… I look around me and I behold the emptiness you left behind… I knew it was never meant to be.. but I had both the courage and the foolishness to dream… and now that you are gone… you left behind all the sweet memories that probably only existed in my mind… did it hurt you too to turn your back and leave… how come then you were in such a hurry… how come then you never glanced back one single time… how come then I thought I saw a glimpse of pain in your eyes for a moment… or was it just my imagination again playing that trick on me to make me believe that it meant something to you… that I meant something to you… you barely said anything at all… as if suddenly everything that drew us closer started pulling us apart… and I found myself conversing with an utter stranger talking about stupid courtesies and politnesses that are as cold as ice… the ease that always covered our dialogues suddenly disappeared… the sense of humor too… there was nothing funny to say anymore… back to all alone… was it just a dream… was the sound of your laughter just a dream… was the warmth in your eyes a dream… the depth and intensity of your voice… just a dream… I sit right here in the dark of the night… broken… shivering… the sound of the subtle wind whistling around me… officially announcing the beginning of winter time… of a sun bidding the skies last farewells… I mourn ghosts that used to inhibit this neighborhood… used to fill it with life and colors… now its only black death filling the empty houses with melancholy… repeating the sounds of slamming abandoned windows and doors… and naked walls… with a single line written on them saying: “Once upon a time…..!”

Part VII

“A Crossroad”

I can’t bring myself to stop writing to you… or of you… whenever I’d pick up my pen to write your face would be the first thing to come to me… and all the promises that your smile carries… you are an inspiration that never runs dry… a burning flame that never dies… an unquenchable thirst… you are the wilderness of a stallion never saddled… the anxiety of a long awaited reunion… an answered prayer… and I shall kneel before my creator… for as long as breath lingers within my chest… thankful for the blessing of you existing on the face of the same planet that I dwell… I have but seen you once… yet the sight of you never abandoned me ever since… owning the beauty of both day and night… the clarity… freshness… and liveliness of the day… yet the intrigue… mystery… and indulgence of the night… the only thing that I know is the clear depths in your eyes and they can’t be deceiving… they spoke of you… and enchanted me… rendering me to a delirious dimension of yearning for you… I want you in my life more that I want my life itself… I found a dead bird in my terrace this morning and thought to myself… would the journey be that long for me… would I fly and fly then wind up dead or dying at your door?… you have conjured me… spoken to me in dreams and thoughts… whispered upon me… awaken from your long sleep and come to me… don’t roam beyond my borders… stay where I can feel you…I’m waiting… he said… and with all the force of life that I was given I helplessly complied… how could I not?… it was not a choice… rather a destiny awaiting fulfillment… written since the beginning of time and meant to be… I shall come to you… I shall remain where you can feel me… but only if you need me as much as I do you… only if you feel the hunger engulfing me for you… need me like you need the very breath that keeps you alive… need me like I’m the only anchor in a world twirling around you… take me into your soul and let me live there… open up your senses to me… and let me see.. smell… touch and taste life like I’ve never known it to be… take the hand that I offer you… and step with me into a magical world of wonders that you and I would create… don’t leave me to the yawning emptiness that’s shading over my life without you… how did we become so inseparable?… and if we haven’t… why is the separation stabbing at me mercilessly?… come quench my thirst… feed my insatiable hunger… and bring me back my peace… surrender unconditionally… or turn around and go without looking back… leave me with the a flame that never really burned bright enough to fall tranquilly into ashes and put me out of my misery… and make sure not to leave a memory behind… a trace of a scent… or the echo of your voice calling out my name… for if you do it would haunt me for as long as I shall live… making me roam countries and continents to find you… and claim you mine against all odds.

Part VIII

“Apart”

Inhaling every breath that the wind brings… carrying just the male scent of you… activating all my senses and emotions… bringing them to life on maximum alert… you are wrong… and this is wrong… but somehow as these stolen moments pass us by… my roots sink deeper inside you… and fighting the urge to reach out for you… to burry myself in you… lose myself to you becomes just unbearable… I search the crowds for your face… in hope for seeing a glimpse of the smile that takes me home… they say if you want something bad enough its bound to happen… and so I wait… because I can’t really want you worse than that… neither can anyone else… how can you stimulate my maternal instincts… my wildest feminine passions… and wake up the child inside me all at the same time… you’re not even gone yet and I already miss you… I wish I could tell you how much I’ll miss you… I wish I could tell you to forget about everything and stay with me… I can’t interpret the look in your eyes… concealing much more than revealing… there came a moment when I so wanted to hold you in my arms and share your joy… it is equally devastating not to find someone to share your sorrows or joys with… and I saw that look on your face… I know it too well cause I have been there more than I’d like to remember… and I wanted to share every moment… every bit of excitement… every deafening heart beat of anticipation… to hold your hand… and be the face that fills your eyes as life opens up its arms to you… yet all I could do is give you a smile that might tell you just a little of how I feel… and a tight… warm.. shake of hands that collapsed my world right at your feet…

The night has fallen…bringing big droplets of rain crashing at the windows of cars rushing by… its cold… and the feeling of being alone in a country where I don’t belong feels even more cold… I hear hummings in the crowds in languages that I don’t understand… faces from different races and ethnic groups surround me… making me feel foreign and unfamiliar… there is nothing that I want more than having you with me… this town looks beautiful and distant from my terrace… I’m in a beautiful city that I can’t relate to… and I couldn’t resist it… I picked up the phone and dialled your number… I held it as if I was hanging on to you… clinging to the tiniest of sounds that comes from the other side of the line… yet I made it brief… I couldn’t stand talking to you while you are so far away from me… couldn’t hear your breath without feeling its heat… couldn’t just bear you knowing nothing of how I feel… or why I’m really calling… and so I said goodbye abruptly and ended the call… rested my head on the wall and closed my eyes to ease my pulse rate… all I wanted to hear is that you miss me just as much as I do you… that you can’t stand being away from me… and that we have become inseperable… I knew that this was not what I’m going to hear… however hoping that you are thinking like that to yourself eased off the panic of your departure a bit… but the urgency of the need I feel for you remains burning in my heart….

I’m walking through the clouds… it feels like it has more dream to it than reality… its the trip that brings me back home to you… have you been waiting for me?… did you wonder where I was… or what I was doing… why am I not there with you… I guess I’ll never know…..

Part IX

” With so little left to say… and so much left unsaid”

I’d write this to you…. knowing that you’ll probably never read it…. and that I’ll probably never get to send it to you…. but I’d just write it thinking that maybe some other time in some better place you’d know… that on this night… filled with agony and confusion… filled with unanswered questions… filled with pain and emptiness… I came to know and confess… how much you fill me up…. how much you complete me … I came to understand that you have been the missing word all along…. that you are the things that I never even dared dream of… that you are who you are and that’s everything I ever wanted… and I came to declare my full and unconditional surrender.

They say there’s another one in your life… that you might end up belonging else where… they say you might choose a different destination… that you might not wind up at my door… they say its not my name you whisper… not me invading your dreams… they told me let go… told me to be realistic and get you out of my mind… told me to take the hand you offer in friendship and be thankful… and told me that the ghosts inside you are too big and too monstrous for me to defeat… but what victory is there in a battle that’s won before starting… what bravery is there in conquering the weaker… what glory is there in fighting a non existing enemy… I know my battles… and I shall fight them… not because I have to… but because I chose you… and because you are worth fighting for… living for… and dying for… if you decide to belong to another… that would be your choice… but you can’t force someone… not to belong to you.

I wrote this so that you might know…. and you will never know -even if you read it- that its meant for you… now that we are closer than ever yet as far as north and south… now that you are becoming part of my everyday life details… that the stupid nothingness that happens every moment of your life are about to include me… and yet we continue to be so very far apart that it hurts… you are probably thinking about very different things and people right now…. not realizing that I’m sitting here waiting…. whispering your name secretly… afraid that the wind might carry it over and expose me to you…. I’m not afraid of you knowing… I’m afraid of what would happen after that… poor are the souls that choose not to take risks… for they die without ever tasting what it means to be alive… and so I live half dead… afraid of taking this one risk… afraid of taking my chances … it feels bad to be a coward… but I just can’t bring myself to say the words… I can’t bring myself to see the look in your eyes as I tell you that it was you all along… I have pictured us together a million times before… but could never imagine it being real… maybe one day you’d know… maybe one day you’d ask yourself who is it that I write of and find the answer staring you back in the mirror… maybe you’d just ask me and the blush on my face would answer you more eloquently than any words… but until that happens… if it ever happens… I have nothing to do except send out a prayer… but would it be answered?…would it??!!

Part X

“Erupting Storms”

Do you know of the enormity of my awareness of your existence… are you reading my mind… I feel your presence within me… within my thoughts… the confinement of my body … sweet torment… with you not close yet dwelling in the very warmth coming in and out of my chest… how could you be like that… how could you touch the depth of my soul.. then turn your back and leave me so empty… so devastated and longing for you… how could you deny the feelings that I have kept for you alone… that I have meant for you alone… I just wanted you alone… just you… the “Him” of all my fantasies… all my dreams come true… yet today… I hear things changed… I hear you have anchored to a shore that’s not south… that you have found a home sheltered from the wind… that it was not my name you whispered upon the full moon and the twinkling stars… my heart feels heavy… and my mind feels dizzied and shattered… I wish I could come to you… cry on your shoulder… cry for you… to you… and tell you that you are Him… tell you what you have read and not known all along… tell you what you thought was meant for a ghost… tell you that I saw in you the joyful commotions of the carnival and the vast magnificent ocean… but you can not know… call me a coward but with all these feelings that I have for you I can’t simply look in your eyes and tell you that you are the true north that my compass points to and the south my wind blows from… you have chosen not to head south and not to sail the rising wind…I can’t make that choice for you… all I can do is close my eyes to put my pain to ease… shape the suffering in a smile… and turn away from your inquiring suspicious eyes when the tears burn so hard and threaten to fall with every shallow breath that I take… and you would long… and yearn… and wonder what it would have been like… to let yourself go… to let yourself be blown by the storm… to embrace it… fly with it… indulge in it… but there’s no looking back… not after today… not after you’ve decided… you might not know it now… you might not realize that I live within you … have you not seen the traces of my fingers on your skin… that I run in your blood …its in your eyes but you can’t see it … I can see your soul stained in me… claiming my scent unconsciously… reaching out for me… pleading to entwine with mine… yet you don’t know it… and you are running away from me… come to me… I offer myself to you one last time… because after tonight there shall be no more my love… there shall be no more… I pray you take the hand I offer to you in alliance… I hope you don’t doom yourself to suffering for eternity when your salvation is right in front of you… allow your soul to fly to me… surrender… and behold the magic come to life… but should you choose to walk away I’ll let you… and I will not visit you… I will not walk down the streets of the city that became your home… I won’t exist in your broad day light… but rather in the shadows of your darkest nights… in the gloomy abandoned streets of the storm… when the wind cries and throws the windows with angry tears… my footsteps would be heard… my breath would whistle and make little children put their lights on… my agony will lighten and thunder until my presence couldn’t be denied… then I’d abruptly depart… leaving unquestionable traces behind… that would remind you of days and nights… that held that same familiar agonizing scent… of the day after the storm…

Part XI

“Broken”

I bid you farewell my love… and it tears me apart to watch you leave… I thank you for everything… for everything that you are… for all the moments that you have given me without even knowing… for all the joy you have added up to my days… for the feelings that you have awakened within me… the feelings that I thought were dead for so long…you have resurrected them… made me believe in them again… made my heart sing once again… broke through my barriers and dove inside my soul… bringing it out of the abyss it was lingering in for what felt like an eternity… but how do you learn to let someone go… how do you know that its going to be alright and that your heart is not going to break… how do you convince yourself that the tears that are falling down your face are fine and are not leading you to devastation… how do I continue to live after you are gone… what would my life look like… and feel like… I feel so cold… afraid… and empty… I don’t want to ask useless questions that will lead to no where… I just want to live and indulge in every feeling that is thundering inside me… to see through every emotion clutching at my heart… I feel torn inside… and you never got to know… you’d live the rest of your life and you will never get to know… I have dreamt of you day and night… I have seen us together… I have wished… wanted… yearned… and you never got to know… and never will… this way it continues to live inside me… I wish I had told you to kill it in me… to kill you in me… whatever the answer would have been the issue would have been over and done with… no wondering… no remorse… no desperation… I wish I could continue to write this no matter what… I wish it didn’t matter that much that its over… but it does… I can’t write of you anymore because you belong to another now… and continuing to write like that would mean that I’m trespassing and that I can not do… I can’t interfere in your life further than that… this is where I stop… turn around… and walk away from you… pretend that you never happened… pretend that my life never went out of its normal course… and when I see you… I’d have to smile… and greet you as an old friend… see you with the one your heart has chosen and wish you well… truly… talk to her about you… have you telling her that I’m one person she could confide in… and she telling me the secrets of your hearts… and I’d sit there listening… smiling… and telling her that you are both best for each other… maybe she’d read this… praise the words I’ve written… and wonder whom I write of… then I’d change the subject smoothly as her question stabs at me… maybe I’d never get to see her at all… all the possibilities stand open except for one… the only one that I wanted… go and don’t miss me… go and don’t yearn… go and don’t look back… for you might see my heart torn thrown on the side of the road… right at the turn where you left off.

A New Year has Come…

Nayra El Sheikh — Sat, 31 Dec 2005 11:42:27 +0000

So tonight a new year starts… this day has always inspired the strangest of feelings inside me… I called my sister.. chatted with a couple of friends.. cooked a nice meal.. and kept wandering around the house with the same unsettling floating feeling that I always get… for some reason days similar to this one kept coming to my mind… but tonight is exceptionally warm… it does not have the chill that this time of the year usually has… a lot of people came to my mind… people from the past.. and one person from the present… I wondered where they are… what they’re doing now.. I felt the urge to get out of the house.. yet didn’t go anywhere… the floating feeling kept swimming down the streams of my veins… I miss being in love… its been such a long time… maybe four years now… since I last felt the tingles and shooting stars… how could it be that I could go on like that all this period.. I mean.. someone like me… I can not live without the passion that burns in my blood… if this is how things are with my work… how can I live such a cold life for so long??… well… I’m not sure that I’ll ever find someone really worth loving as truelly.. wholy.. deeply and unconditionally as I always do… there’s no one that understands this kind of love anymore… people just take advantage of this kind of emotion nowadays… all they care for is what’s in it for them… what they’re getting out of it… its not a matter of feeling and indulging anymore… materialism.. my friends… has taken over our lives without even bothering to knock on the door… and it hurts me… it hurts me to have passions and feelings of such depth and intensity with no one to share it with… I blow the candle of the new year repeating an old silent prayer… maybe.. one day…

Southwind

Happy New Year to All

Diaries of a Time Traveller

Nayra El Sheikh — Fri, 09 Dec 2005 11:40:15 +0000

On a night of a million stars.. I started my journey.. safely wrapped in the arms of the mountains.. Almighty’s beauty displayed in His creation… only half a moon lighting the narrow path.. nothing could I hear except the ascending sound of my heart beats.. and the mild breeze brushing against my my skin.. I walked on the sacred sand of Sinai… tracing the footsteps of Moses… bless the wind that your land brings forth.. and the gold that sleeps in your desert.. O! Holly Sinai… The bedouin that led the way.. called upon by the name of ‘Hamid’… made a comment every now and then.. about his tribe.. teir traditions… how the desert told the story of their heritage.. and how their women carried the beauty of the mountains in the curves of their bodies.. and its mystries in their eyes… but my bedouin 19 years old guide only dreamt of a comfortable home.. a beautiful wife that loves him.. and shildren to carry on the heritage of his family and tribe… listening to him reading off the list of his precious dreams as I roamed primitive airs brought to my mind a thought… these dreams probably were the same as Adam’s.. the same thoughts that were on his mind as he was dwelling the gardens of Eden all alone… could it just have been the same since the beginning of time? and would it stay the same till the end of it?… the wish for warmth.. love.. and continuety… I wonder how long I have been roaming the desert… I feel as if I was born and raised here.. without ever being acquainted with modern life luxuries and facilities.. something about the primitivity of the desert is stupifying me.. hypnotizing me.. making me feel as if I never left it before.. yet have been yearning to it all my life… the mild breeze of the night is not enough at this point… my whole body is breaking into sweat.. my feet are killing me.. and my breath is catching in my throat… the mountains won’t open up their secrets to me… the higher I climb the more difficult it gets… it is so strange how silence can hit people of the city as unusual.. noise.. I believe.. is one of the biggest curses of modern life.. but here.. silence is so.. sirene… bless the silence of your desert.. O! Sinai… finally the narrow and bumpy path in the mountain openes up.. to display a magnificent valley that sleeps lazily and safely well hidden beneath the might of the mountains… a valley so wide.. where a lonely tree stood.. challenging the emptiness of te desert.. defying the power man claims to have.. and I stood atop of it… beholding the heart of the desert.. under a velvet sky pierced with a million diamonds.. and a half moon.. an Alchemist.. converting the sands of the desert into silver… blowing alixir of life into the evening breeze.. resurrecting and bringing me back to life!

The Southwind

Sinai desert

I bow in respect to genius…

Nayra El Sheikh — Wed, 30 Nov 2005 11:30:16 +0000

In the Lucidity of a Solemn Silence

by Hisham Mahmoud

In the lucidity of a solemn silence
The night overtook those who transgressed.
Nations we conquered and others we built
As shelters for masses oppressed
Our hearts resounded with a hungry pulse
To make real what was already instilled;
And then His Will became our own
Potentiality, sought and fulfilled.
Souls that were owned by the Owner of all
Yearned to disrobe their outer attire.
Where martyrs lay sleep on the mattress of war
Haunted no more by the nightmare of fire
As ‘Umar lay snoozing in the shade of a tree
The Crown of Persia was swept.
Then one of her leaders addressed you and said,
“With justice you ruled and safely you slept.
“”Lie down and roll over, “O dog of Rome!”
Wrote Mu’tasim once upon a time,
In defense of your sister who called out his name-
An army prepared to punish the crime.
That was a time when men were men,
Who lived solely to die in battle
What moves you, then, but food, drink, and sleep’
(So much in common with sheep and cattle!)
Now do you hear the screams of torture
A six year old boy sent to the slaughter
Have you not seen twenty three soldiers
Each take a turn with Abdullah’s daughter
Bosnia, Kashmir, Kosova, Iraq-Meaningless slogans,
“Injustice must stop!”
A billion sleepers, the dormant giant
-Til when shall the Muslims be so compliant?
Heads that prostrate to Him, the Most High
Now, by the sword, they are chopped,
While you snore in your slumber, comfy and snug,
Rock-a-bye baby on the tree top.
One more is killed, another is raped-
The Ummah drowns into a panic.
Yet only one wall divides you from them-
That great blue wall, the Atlantic
Each wave splashes forth with news of sorrow
Upon rocks as hard as your hearts.
Where death becomes life and life becomes death,
Where the dead from the living depart.
How will you fare when that Day seizes all,
As, now, you refuse to do what you can
Then be not suprised when you look down and see
The blood of Muslims on your two hands.

The Calling

Nayra El Sheikh — Sun, 27 Nov 2005 11:18:54 +0000

It’s been a very long trip
Back and forth in confusion
In the clamor of faces and flashing lights
Along came you…
I surrendered
To a smile .. A home coming…

Fallen prey to fear
Enchained by the anguish of yearning
I call upon you
Come .. Set me free…

Surrealism

Nayra El Sheikh — Wed, 10 Jul 2002 11:26:18 +0000

As the streams of odds went even… and the rivers over flowed… a moment of silence could mean the world… and a word could start a myth… have we been here before… why does everything feel familiar to me as my own skin then… my hands are trembling with anxiety and excitement… and if I may say some fear… am I losing myself or finding it… your eyes are saying words… your lips would yet deny… I can see it is familiar to you too… what is this… reality can’t be all that perfect… hush… remain still and close your eyes for I might believe you’re real… if only you lift a finger I’d drift away and die…”

The Notion of the Fortune-Teller

I walked down the crowded streets of the souk … saw the sparkles in the eyes of giggling children… it’s the autumn carnival… everyone has an ear-to-ear smile on their lips… I searched the faces carefully… seeking an old time odor… coming from warm dark skin and deep black eyes… it’s memory has been dallying my nose for too long now… I close my eyes and the vision attacks severely tearing my fake peace… and as I reached the well I dipped my hand in my pocket for a coin… threw it and murmured a prayer with the sound of the tiny splash… I tried to hang on as a bunch of joyful kids came to play near the well pushing me towards the crowd … I felt someone was watching me… I looked around and I saw her… she sat in a dark corner on the floor alone… but in the dim light I could see that her eyes were summoning me… I walked closer towards her… smelled the smoke rising from the burning musk in front of her… and as I stood facing her she smiled and said “Sit” I sat watching the small stuffed corner… and her weird clothes and accessories… she stared at my face… so I guessed what she wanted and gave her my hand… she looked at me and said in a rich strong foreign accent “no my dear… I don’t need to look at your hand to tell you your past, present or future… for it is all written in there”… she then looked me straight in the eyes … I felt she was diving deep into my soul… I wanted so much to close my eyes but couldn’t break the stare… she said “ too much torment my child… water running troubled… and rivers going dry… the journey is long and not easy… you are aware of this aren’t you?”… I sat there as if hypnotized… staring straight ahead and seeing nothing… “ but you shall learn to live again… if only you have the will and strength to reach out and take your chances… now go… but remember… though destiny always has the final word… but some people could conquer their destinies… you have the power but you lack the will… the choice is yours in the end”… she gave me her back… I felt as if I was stupefied by the scent of the musk… I got up to my feet and walked away… I moved few steps away then looked back… she was gone… and everything that had to do with her… except for the scent that surrounded me…

The Notion of the Ghost

I walked and managed to get myself lost in the crowd… to scatter my thoughts with in the cheerful spirit that surrounded me… I stood watching the fireworks… then felt a warm hand caressing my shoulder… I turned my head and time stood still… those are the eyes… this is the odor… this is the vision all alive standing in front of me and daring me to deny it’s existence… he smiled… and the words whispered in my ears “ you shall learn to live again” … “ the choice is yours in the end”… “ some people could conquer their destinies”… “if only you have the strength and will to reach out and take your chances”… what chances… what am I thinking… this is definitely not happening… how can I let it… I know he’s not real and I’ll just die by my own hands once again… for the moment I will think of reaching out for him he will disappear all over again… “if only you have the strength and will”… “if only you have the strength and will” … “if only you have the strength and will”… ENOUGH ! … I have the strength and will alright… but I have to admit that I don’t have the courage… I’m too scared… yes I’m being a coward… so what… better than doing the same mistake all over again… it’s not only that I won’t make the dream come true… but it’s that I’ll lose the dream itself this time… it’s hard to live for a dream you know you can’t make come true… but it’s impossible to live without a dream… it almost killed me the last time… thinking that I lost it… that I lost him… and I barely continued to live half dead… and now that he’s back I’m thinking of risking losing him again… the tears rolled down my face… God.. I missed you… never knew that much… missed you to the extent that I might ask you to hold me in your arms… to tell you that you mean life to me… what have we done to life and what has life done to us… I’ve been swimming against the current for so long… the refugee has returned to his homeland… and what a wonderful homecoming… my roots are implanted deep inside of him… the crowd vanished from around us… suddenly there was nothing but our eyes held in a stare… fireworks… and magic… his smile didn’t fade for a split of a second… he lifted a hand and held a rebellious strand of my hair… he touched it lightly then let it fly again… looked at me and said in a voice that poured blood in my veins, “where have you been?, I missed you.”… I closed my eyes in pain… the rush of blood was unusual that it hurt… this husky… whiskey-smooth voice is resurrecting me… in the drunken feeling of the return of my soul I struggled to breathe… almost fell… he quickly gathered me in his arms… he was looking in my misty eyes… with an expression of concern in his… all I could do then was rest my head on his chest and pray to God to make this moment the end of time… his hand reached for my chin and lifted my face to him, “Are you okay?” then smiled again and said “Don’t look at me like this… I’m not descending from heaven”… why does it feel like heaven in your arms?… “you’re trembling… are you cold?” had you only known the warmth of the flame you have lit in my soul … I could hardly shake my head… he then slowly let go of me… and watched me closely… my legs were barely balancing on the floor but I managed to stand… could manage to say “it’s been a long time.. too long.. didn’t expect to see you here… actually.. didn’t think I’ll see you again”… he gave me a quick glance of amazement… “ did you really think so… did you think I was gone for good… where did you get that weird idea from” … I couldn’t look him in the eye… he then would see how horrifying and painful the idea is… “you were gone for too long… and… I don’t know… it was just an idea… to some extent you remind me of mercury”… he threw his head back and laughed softly “ mercury!!… your words are extremely strange today… and what is it about me that reminds you of mercury… the fact that my color is silver??”… I gave him something like a smile while I was studying his reaction “no… the fact that the moment I lay a hand on you… you’re gone”… he then paused for a second thinking and said “I wasn’t wrong when I thought you know too much… but careful sugar… too much of that could kill you”… there was a hidden caution in his voice… and in his eyes a look that I didn’t want to interpret… I looked up to the sky in a prayer for peace… turned to him… felt an urge so strong to think before it of any consequences… reached out to touch his forehead… and just as my fingers were close enough to feel his heat… I opened my eyes… he was gone… leaving remains of warmth… smoke… and a deep unique odor that was never gone…

Beyond the Borderlines of the Memory

Breathe… breathe deeply now… it’s going to be okay… it was just a dream… it was a bad dream and it’s over now… sit back and relax…

A Gateway… to no Where!

Nayra El Sheikh — Wed, 24 Oct 2001 11:32:42 +0000

They drove a long long distance on the highway… and it was certainly a starry night… there was a chill in the air and a crescent moon… the music and sounds of the engines were the only thing to break the silence of the extending desert on the sides of the highway… there were two sighs… coming out so warm and sensual… so lonely… so restless… She… she had a semi-collapsing world… she was having dreams of the past that she was drowning in… she probably was escaping from an empty… lonely present into a pleasant past that she never really had… loneliness is such a difficult word to utter… a horrible feeling to live with… and her loneliness was almost bleeding her to death… but with one last breath… she walked… jumped into her car and… ran away… where was she going was not a question… she was just hoping that somewhere through her ride she would lose that feeling that chased her… so she drove and drove… then she sighed… as she was trying to avoid the echoing sentiment in her ears… she saw that huge shadow… somewhere in the desert on the other side of the road… two big towers or fortes… but she wasn’t really sure… and so she made a U-turn… and so she decided to go see what that was……

He… he was driving his car… bored… with no specific destination in his mind… he just got sick of everything around him and so he decided to go… where was he going was not a question… he just felt this urge to… runaway… and so he left… and so he drove and drove … then sighed… he felt his heart was heavy… all so burdened with absolute emptiness… nothing really happened… but that nothing happening turned out to be too much to take… he couldn’t stand the word “nothing” anymore…he just passed a car that stopped off the road… his feet suddenly hit the brakes without even thinking… he wondered why he stopped… but then he thought… why don’t we have “something” for a change… he stepped out of his car…then walked back… someone might need some help… when he reached the car he realized that there was “ nothing” inside… he felt even worse… but as he was turning to go back to his car he noticed a moving shadow in the dark… and he walked towards it… he soon reached it and realized that it was a female figure… she turned to face him and stood still in complete shock… he moved few more steps then stopped too… then he said “ are you okay?” … she nodded but remained silent… he went on “ what are you doing here… alone?”… she looked behind her … pointed to the mysterious figure… and said in a tiny voice barely audible “ I was going there…” he asked her “ what is… there?” she replied “ that’s what I was trying to find out… I saw something and I wanted to know what it is… who are you? Why are you here? Why are you following me?” he said “I’m not following you… I was driving my car and I saw your car… so I thought something might have happened… and I wanted to help… that’s all”… she remained silent for a while then said “ oh… thank you… but I’m okay… you just scared me a bit” … he asked her “ now that you got me really curious… do you mind if I come with you to see what “that” is?” … she thought … I shouldn’t trust him… but then having him to keep her company is much better than loneliness… she replied “ no… not at all… the place is not mine anyways” and she smiled… then she remembered how much her lips missed smiling… they turned and started walking… he said “ you have a beautiful smile you know”… she said “ how would I know… if smiling turned out to be a luxury one can not afford!” … he stopped and looked at her in complete amazement… it felt as if she was reading the headlines of his daily news… as if her voice was coming from the bottom of his tormented soul… and said “ it is strange… that a girl of your age… and you look young… would say such a thing”… she replied with a usual bitter smile… “And what is NOT strange… name one thing other than the sunrise that is not strange… I mean you and I… are complete strangers… in the middle of the desert… walking and talking and you consider this NOT strange? and aside from it… me personally… the daily routine of my life is usual… but that doesn’t make it NOT strange”… he was totally muted… every word she said was true… was what he thought of…then she added “ but when you come to think of it… you hang on to one true smile… that you might live on for days… maybe weeks… before you can find another one”….he said “ what you’re saying is true… but you know… I think what makes life strange is the lack of sentiment… that’s what makes life so cold and unbearable… because you will always let go if you have nothing to hang on to… as well you will let go your life if sentiment is not there to make you hang on to it” … she thought for a while then said “ that’s right but wait a minute… sentiment is not the only thing missing… there’s also peace of mind… and honesty… too many things that would make us live more of a humane life than that of a machine… but we lost them somewhere in time without knowing that they are irretrievable”… he asked her “ do you believe in God?” she said “ yes… one of –if not the only- unquestionable things in my life is my belief… and I think that’s why I’m still alive till this very moment” then she asked him “ are you married?” he said “ no… what makes you think I am?” … she said “ no… I was just asking”… he asked “where do you live?”… she answered “ somewhere on this planet… not far away from here”… he said “ oh… we’re neighbors then… cause I live on this planet too… how come we never met before?” she said “ probably cause we were both too busy to look around… each one was overwhelmed with the everyday life details… which consumed our senses and burned out our feelings”… he looked ahead and said “ why aren’t we getting closer to our destination… it seems to be getting further… anyways tell me… what brought you here… I mean it could be quite dangerous for a girl to come here alone…” and she said “what brought me is just what brought you… destiny… a point of intersection along the parallel lines of fate”… “You speak well” he said “you certainly know how to choose your words” she replied “wish I was capable of choosing my words like you say… for so far it is a word that chose me”… she then asked him “what do you say of honesty?”… he said “a road not taken”… she said “ what do you say of love?” he said “a dream never coming true…” she went on “what do you say of life?” he said “ a masquerade” she said “what do you say of death” he said “ an unanswered prayer” she said “what do you say of loneliness?” he replied “nothing!” … then he said “seems like you’ve been badly hurt before… you sound bitter…” she looked at him for a long moment then said “we’ve all been badly hurt before… my story is not one of a kind although that’s how it felt to me… but then we’ve all been betrayed before… most likely from very close people to us… we’ve fallen in love with the wrong people… we’ve ached and sobbed but we’re still alive… a bit more rough than before… a bit more tough than before… and a lot more bitter than ever” he said “ and yet we still make the same mistakes again” she replied “ well sir… that’s what they call hope… cause we don’t really know that it’s a mistake until things start falling apart… the whole thing starts with very high hopes that this time would be the one… but…!… a human being won’t be living without hope don’t you think so?”… He said “but this kind of hope requires some stupidity along with it”… she said “walking with your eyes half closed is a very common human habit”… they both then shouted “finally and at last!” he said “oh… it’s a gateway” … she said “Wow! It’s huge… I thought it was some sort or a castle when I saw it from the car… but wait a minute… there’s nothing behind it but the desert..” he asked “ do you think we should cross it and see what lies behind?” ..

Now don’t get me wrong … all about the starry night… the crescent moon… the music and the sighs was not a love story or a fairy tale… this is a story of modern times where there’s no prince charming or desperately seeking Cinderella… I just happen to run into this couple everyday of my life… I read this unsaid conversations in many … many eyes… those two stood in front of a gateway that leads to no where… would they cross it after all with their lives on their hands… taking their chances and having nothing to lose… would they turn back… each to his way forgetting all about the conversation… the gateway… and get lost all over again in the everyday life details?… and if they choose to cross it what would they find behind it?… I think these are questions… that even time has no answer to!

A Yellow Page in the Memory..

Nayra El Sheikh — Mon, 23 Apr 2001 11:36:03 +0000

Oh but it’s hard…. To walk in a dark street … listening to the banging of your footsteps … repeating the rhythm of a lonely song … releasing the flow of pain and sorrow slowly like poison from your toes up to your brain… and that’s what they call dying in slow motion… these are the letters of the word alone… I guess that’s the poison… for you have no reason to wake up every morning… taking your breath just doesn’t feel as right as it used to … your eyes don’t reflect any sparkle… just a mirror to the darkness that inhibited your heart and became as familiar to you as your own skin… and yesterday seems like a dream that you never made come true… feels like a faded rose you safely kept between the yellow pages of your memory…is this loud laugh coming out of your own throat… did anybody hear the scream that lies beneath it… or they’re just gone blind and deaf … drowned in their own sorrow… wonder how cheerful it might sound with the pain that it provokes in your eyes…a dull spark of despair… but who would understand… and who would care to know about a cry that couldn’t abandon your throat in any other shape but that miserable loud laughter… yet you can’t let go… like the way you struggle with falling… can’t stop it… and can’t just surrender… peace of mind is what you lack… peace of heart is what you can’t even aspire… simply because you’re not sure that you ever felt it before…don’t want to die… but not one good reason to live…and the only steps you hear around are those coming from your rushing feet…rushing towards the end of the self torture game…. BEEEEEEEEEEP!!… “Watch your steps young lady..” as if there was any other thing to watch at all…“Sorry..” ..that the end was not as soon as you wished it to be… go home and say hello to the shop’s permanent customer…insomnia… lying on the bed begging sleep to come over for a drink… but it just doesn’t work… nothing works at all … and your whole system starts falling apart… you day dream … of a life better than this one … of a tomorrow that never comes on time… of someone who loves you enough to get you your best birthday present … and buy you a new heart…the everlasting dream of a platonic love that will not fade away in time…a love that consume and renew that flood of emotions inside threatening to explode in any second if you just think of closing your eyes…and what is the use of closing your eyes if you smell that odor you long for in every moment that passes you by…you see the same eyes… smile…the same voice echoing in your ears as if calling out your name from heaven… …but you got lost in Plato’s perfect city… that never existed at all… then you start wondering how did you get there…where did the roads split…how could you have gone that far…. where is the way back home…what is home… a place where you live in… a warm place filled with love and care.. ah I see you sneaking again through the back door of that city…I think your dreams are a bit too wild…but that’s your backyard garden… the one you escape to when reality becomes too hard to take…your right to dream is the only thing that no one can take away…cause that’s all what you will be allowed to for the time being…look at the face of life that welcomes your first steps with a slap on your face…does anyone really dare to reach out and search within that shadow you have turned to be… can anyone look deep into your eyes and take the risk of seeing what lies behind the mask…bow and put your hands together hard in a prayer for one last breath of yesterday… for keeping the faith and hope…and nothing but that desperate hope keeps the wheel that you’re lost in going…and growing…leaving you always breathless two steps behind…asking yourself the answerless question… when is this going to end ??

Answers I Couldn’t Find

Nayra El Sheikh — Fri, 20 Aug 1999 11:38:09 +0000

As the sunbeam covers my face
I try to leave everything behind
But darkness finds the pleasure to chase
My eyes and make me blind

So hard to try to figure it out
Understand what’s going on
It urges me to shout out loud
While the last ray of light is gone

I knew it was never to be right
But I was brave enough to dream
I also had the courage to fight
But I didn’t have the voice to scream

It makes me feel like “Don Qui Chotte”
Fighting an illusive windmill
When nothing that I have got
Could keep the time still

As the sunbeam covers my face
I didn’t leave anything behind
Just was a losing case
And answers I couldn’t find…