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Happy New Year… they say

And so the year begins… as always… the bitter feeling of bidding a year of my life farewell never leaves as the clock strokes announcing midnight… and as strange as it may sound… but I have never known why… that this moment always passes me by when I’m alone… I close my eyes… hear the cheering and the fireworks outside my window… make my wishes that never change… and never come true… it is cold… very cold this time of the year… this moment of the year… dark… then slowly… the lights go on again… I open my eyes again and continue to live… as if life pauses for a minute to show me in fast forward mode all the years that passed… down to this moment… and then everything goes back to playing in normal mode… but something inside me changes forever… I lose something some where in this moment… maybe a tiny little piece of myself… maybe some of the time left for me in this world… or maybe I just lose some hope… I can’t be sure… but something definitely doesn’t feel the same… though I hear music playing in the distance… and the streets are cheerful all around… for some reason it always looks unreal to me… I can’t help but wonder… of a heart breaking some where… of a love running dry… and of the morning of a new year coming tomorrow… colder than the one that passed…

Roads not Taken

It’s very strange… I would say… the thing that’s known as a love/hate relationship… I’ve only come to know of it very recently… they say that in this kind of relationship… you’d love someone till nothing is left for you but hatred… yet you’d hate them till you’re left with nothing but love… is that how I truly feel… I wonder… I’m stained in him… and I’m left now with nothing but disgusted yearning that’s filling my senses… with all that was once there… and was never really there… what had really happened there and then?… that I can’t tell… resentment is eating out of me… I resent myself… him… all that has come to happen between us… and all what’s between us now… each one of us lives in his own world now… yet there comes moments… very few moments… where one can’t help but wonder… if only… yes most of the time we succeed in shoving these thoughts away… and getting on with our lives… but as we grow old and grey… those moments increase… and there comes a point in one’s life… where he’d stop… and look back… at all the roads he has not taken in his life… at all the “if only”s that passed him by all through his journey… what kind of feeling could accompany meditation upon such stations?… remorse… thankfulness… sorrow… maybe regret… if I could turn back the time… I would… or I wouldn’t… I should have… or it would have been better if I didn’t… endless possibilities yet the present remains the same… and what destiny writes no man’s hand could erase… no one can turn back the time… and here I sit… thinking… confused out of my wits… I’d worry about tomorrow when it comes… but what about yesterday… what do I do about the yesterday that’s haunting my dreams every single night… dreams of little details and intimacies that kill me a thousand times… the extremity of what I’m feeling is tainting my vision and tearing me apart… we’ve been broken beyond repair after all said and done… each one would go on his separate way.. live his separate life… maybe after years from now we won’t remember we ever existed in each other’s lives… but something… be it love… be it hatred… be it a wound that would never be cured… something in our hearts will always stay…!

Letters from the South

(1)

It never fails to amaze me how some people in this world claim being honest… claim respecting their choices… claim having any integrity about them at all… and in the first real test that they face… they turn around and try to place the blame where it doesn’t belong… try to convince themselves that it was not their choice in the first place… how ironic!! No mistake is ever one sided… I have been taught the very hard way… and no one is to take a blame alone.. there is not utter angel or devil among human beings… but then again… good and evil vary from a person to another… and from one person towards another… don’t we all carry a piece of heaven and of hell within ourselves… the main source of humiliation to you is your own self… no one can humiliate you unless you let them… it’s the kind of power that you give them over you… just like no one can help you if you don’t let them either.

(2)

It never fails to impress me how some people possess the arrogance to take you for granted… to assume you feelings for you… to mistake mere infatuation for love and act accordingly… without even doing the effort to earn it… and not only that… but moreover blame you for feeling this way… they think they own you for no good reason at all… they think that they already deserve it given who they are –mind you that people who are like that are usually nobody whatsoever-… they have lost themselves to an emptiness that swallowed them without them even knowing it… without having the courage to admit to themselves who they really are… what they truly are… I must say regardless of how impressed I am… I can’t help but be disgusted!!

(3)

I have to admit that at some point in my life cruelty has been a dream to me… I’ve wanted at many occasions to be a person with no heart or conscience… yet failed massively… and I thank God for it… I have seen cruelty and what it does to people… and I don’t think that I can live with the consequences of it… its just not who I am… I am I… and that’s who I’ll always be… no matter what anyone has to say about that.

(4)

In the vast space of the universe there’s someone who hears my calls and pleas… he understands… he know who I really am… and he’s worth waiting all my life for… I don’t care how long it takes… even if I wait till the day I die… I’d die knowing that I have waited for the ‘Him’ of all my dreams… the only man that really possesses the power to capture my heart and make me fall in love again… so I send this call out in the distances that separate us… be them long or short… to you… I’m waiting for you… reveal yourself to me… show me a meaning to life that I have never learned before… come to me and take me into your world… I continue to wait… I know you can hear me… and that you can feel every iota of sensation that yearns inside me for you existence inside my arena… take me away from all the cruelty and inhumanity that surrounds me for I can’t take it… I call upon you… come… set me free…

His agony… My pain

Many times have I come across scatters of these horrifying tales… and mostly they have been ugly enough to make the blood freeze over in my veins… so I’d look the other way and change the subject abruptly… not quite sure of my ability to compile enough courage to hear the full story… this tale I tell today is no exception… another pile of unpleasant scatters that pass through my life… and I manage to delete them once the conversation is over… except that this particular tale took a different turn… I’ve seen him… I’ve seen the silence in his eyes that told me of horror worse than anything that my mind can possibly picture… and I’ve heard from him what I can hardly call a brief of what had happened… I’ve seen him… and I have seen with him some of the pictures that told me very little of his story… pictures covered in blood and tormented sweat… screams banging in an empty space that returns no echo… that soothes no pain… that doesn’t return to him the human soul that is leaking quietly from him like bleeding… I couldn’t… and I admit it with all the honesty and the human selfishness that I possess… I couldn’t bear what I’ve seen and heard… whenever I saw a glimpse of him the scent of his agony slaps at me mixed with frustration and the feeling of betrayal… carved on his skin… in his voice… and in the dull burning shimmer in his eyes… I couldn’t stand the moments of fake humanity that his story awakened inside me… moments that reshaped my past and present… taking away everything that was known to me as beautiful… only he remained a glimpse of that beauty that I thought I knew in pain… moments that took away my lethargy … and changed my life forever… I couldn’t… and I chose to escape… I turned my back and ran away… to a place where the scent of agony wouldn’t find me… where I don’t see the carved scars on him… refusing to be come a part – even in the audience seats- of this brutal farce… refusing to have it settle and be conceived of inside me as part of the reality that I live in… after I was done running and escaping… I stopped to catch my fleeing breath… and scattered thoughts… then… then something inside me forever changed… I felt I was bleeding except that there was no blood dripping from me… I felt lost inside my home on my own bed… I had a feeling of death within me despite the steady breath coming in and out of my chest… only then I knew the real reason for his agony… and that is we… the inhumanes… we usually prefer to runaway and leave him alone… in the darkness of what had happened… in the coldness… the horror… and the brutality of what had happened… suffering uselessly… fighting hopelessly… I wonder when did he really feel that his life came to an end… was it when the despicable brutal hands worked on him taking pleasure in his torment… or was it when he woke up from the darkness of the crisis to find himself alone with a species that he didn’t know of… and wasn’t used to… all they did was trade into his agony to steal into the shimmer of a fake glory that they trapped him in… then left him to die on a side road… I write these words in a clear confession and acknowledgment of what I really am… I confess for the first time in five and twenty years that I’m a creature of great cowardess… in an apology filled with shame to you… for being a coward… and for daring to abandon you… for my ability to walk away without looking back afraid of seeing what had already changed my life for eternity… in the end you shall remain you… but I will never be myself again… I’m still determined to leave… but know this… know that I leave carved with the same scars as you but without the dignity… carrying with me the same pain that’s branding you yet without the honour… and although looks might be deceiving… I still remain one… among the species of the inhumanes!!!

Dedication:

To all those who have suffered and been tortured for a cause they believe in and for a better tomorrow… I say to you that your agony has not passed unnoticed… I tell you it was not in vain… you are the pain that resurrected me from the dead and brought my soul back to life!

Arabic version:

معاناته ووجعي

Gibran

 

One day you’ll ask me which is more important, my life or yours? I’d say: mine. And you’d walk away, not knowing that you are my life!

Special thanks to my friend “Ali Al Omari” for the lovely Gibran Quote.

Have I..

 

Have I said too much? How come then you know nothing of what I want to say to you… In the dark of the night… Do you see me reaching out for you… Do you hear me calling..??